June 2, 2013 - Posted by DrMyrtleMeans

A friend with benefits is someone with whom you can have a sexual relationship, without any commitments, yet still be treated with respect. The question that has been posed is, “Can an ex-spouse or partner become a friend with benefits”?  The benefits part seems easy enough. Unfortunately, sex with someone, anyone, at times is  an easy thing to do.  The best sex, I think, comes from a situation where two people know each other well enough to be familiar with their partner’s desires and they care enough to meet them. This means there is a level of intimcay and trust in the relationship . You may be able to find this in an ex.

Dealing with an ex can be complicated. I would first ask the question, are you still friends? A friend is genuinely concerned about your well being, kind, supportive, and fun to be around. Many people end their relationships on bad terms, however, it is not impossible to get back to a place where you can call each other “friend”. If this is the case, familiarity breeds comfort and makes an ex a safe choice when it comes to meeting ones sexual needs.

Obstensibly, the ex knows how to please you.  And there should be realistic expectations about the involvement. That’s if you are not hoping that your “friend with benefits” will turn into something more. If so, I offer one word: “caution”. It is rare, if not impossible, for relationships to go from casual to commited. So don’t make the mistake of believing that sex will change the state of your relationship. Make sure you are not dangling on a hope string, waiting for sex to fix whatever went wrong between you.There needs to be clear boundaries. Don’t start drifting into the lane of expectation, jealousy, or hope.

My biggest concern in this situation is whether or not being involved with your ex will prevent you from being open to the world of opportunity that awaits. People tend to hold on to the past because they know the outcome. There is no risk and no vulnerability. Therefore, dealing with an ex has it’s comforts and it’s limitations. If you are realistic about your expectations and this contract only lasts for a short period of time, I say, “Ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump and grind”. This should not be a long term arrangement.

My other words of caution involves children. Having an ex for a friend with benefits can be very confusing for the adults involved. If you have children together or apart, it is important not to bring them into this murky water. Be discrete and keep the kids out of it!

Hopefully this friend with benefits is something to tide you over until you are ready to start from scratch with a new recipe for ecstasy. You can’t find ecstasy in a relationship that you have already decided to trash.

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